Talk: Kaivalyadhama, 2019. Ego Defence Mechanism
This was the first diary entry I made after not visiting India for some years. The practice I had at that time was to sit with Swamiji and listen, and to then return to our room and write the conversation down. As I did, it felt as if I returned to the Kuti and reheard the words a second time.
The following is a combination of my best attempt to remember his exact words, and my thoughts based upon them as they flowed from the pen…
It was one of those simmering afternoons at the end of monsoon, still humid enough to welcome an evening thunderstorm. I sat down on the chair below the image of Saraswati, my son hovered next to me while Swamiji finished a phone call. To pass time we played Paper, Scissors, Rock. As we played Swamiji began to watch.
For us, at that moment it was a mother and child playing a game to help make a decision, it also helped to settle us into the space. Swamiji saw something different.
We played the game on the physical – the gross level, but it could also be viewed from the subtle, or spiritual level.
Swamiji began as he often did with a slight lean forward, a dip of his chin and a long, “Sooooo…” and asked:
“How do you play the game – by Feeling or Thinking? “
When you watch the child, they just play. They use their gut, we can say intuition. Over time it may change to thinking. But what do they develop? Watch and see. What each person develops is dependent upon their life: the way they see things.
We can ask, how much development of anything is too much? Watch and see the overdevelopment play out. But, why are we unable to step out and say “enough” and follow another path?
How can we step out of our fixed mindset?
We don’t like to do this because it can lead to confusion. Yet life is like this; life is confusion. We cannot know the outcome, nor can we control it.
With confusion can come disputes. And disputes often lead to forcing.
On which level are we using the force, and on which level is our expectation? It is usually conditional – the way I am is the way you should be to.
Always consider me. In this way the other person feels no freedom to move.
When the feeling of freedom to move is there you are not thinking – there is a flow.
Now, someone may show they feel the freedom to move, but this is just a show. Actually, they are plotting and thinking how to get free, how to flow. This is the dance of Prakruti.
There can be a natural flow and a calculated flow (it only appears to be natural).
In this way, when someone does this, they are a born dancer. If we do this, we develop a personality that masters imitation. And, the development is on the wrong track.
The question comes: year after year which track are we developing?
How do we accept that we have developed ourselves on the wrong track? Perhaps when we began this development it wasn’t the wrong path, but as time passed we didn’t re-evaluate.
Think of the nails on our hand. The nails belong to our hand, but how long should they be? Our nails are there to protect our fingers. They must be there, but when they are too long, they hinder our actions, and we must always adjust for their presence.
Once we recognise the situation, then we can adjust. We can correct our thinking: just as we can reassess how to sit; how to stand; and how to lie.
In this way we can reassess the structure of our relationships. And, after the outer correction the inner flow increases and improvement comes.
But why are we not free to choose? What is our flow of thinking?
Here we come back to Thinking and Feeling. This is where is all begins.
In this game of life we can Think, we can Feel, or the third option is we don’t Think or Feel: we Block.
Blocking is our Ego Defence Mechanism. Our job is to ask why did we pick this up? Our Ego Defence Mechanism will always reveal itself when we are with others.
Inside the family it is not possible to have things only your way. The play will happen without our permission – we must start and stop; change gears and brake according to the play; not according to our wishes.
In our family our Ego Defence Mechanism can create similarity or difference. We can ask ourselves which is greater? What is it that we continually create? Do we make an effort to reduce what we create, do we maintain it, or do we even increase it? And, why?
Difference makes inequality. It creates the sense of “I’m better than you” and the ego then expects the other person to tolerate the situation.
But the question should be “Why can’t you come down?”, “Why can’t you understand?”, “Why can’t you get the result you seek?” – the result of happiness.
The quality of happiness depends upon the results, and it is we who are placing the limits.